Yesterday

Before I get to the gratitude... yesterday was a little rough, I'm not going to lie.

I spent most of the morning wishing I could un-hear the "worst case scenario" as described by the doctor on Tuesday.  But despite the fact that in my heart I KNOW that is not where we are headed, hearing it did change something in me.  And after thinking a lot about it, I sort of "got" that what it changed was that it made the cancer REAL for me.  Up to that point, I knew I had it.  I knew we were treating it and I knew it was going to go away.  Life wasn't REALLY going to change in a permanent way - just temporarily.  You know.  Til we're done curing me.  But hearing that there was even a teeny tiny outside chance of  "much more than a radical hysterectomy" made the reality of the situation just explode in my face.  I don't want this to make my life change in such a horrific way.  I wasn't ready to accept that and it definitely messed with my head more than I realized it would.

The fact that that came along with the onset of major fatigue probably didn't help, either.  I mean - I am POOPED.  Like, constantly.  I got up yesterday after 9+ hours of sleep, took a shower, and felt like I needed a nap!  What is that?!  I barely made it through 4 hours at work before having to throw in the towel.  Stuff like that bums me out, but I keep trying to accept that it is all a part of my body healing itself.

Another part of what I truly believe i healing me is the walks I am taking with Ryan every day that we can - especially when we can go to one of the lakeside parks.  I have always loved the water and Lake Erie in particular holds a dear place in my heart, as it is where my grandparents used to go every day to watch the sunset together after my Grandpa Joe got sick.  When I moved back to Ohio, I got to live right on the lake for a year or so, and hearing the waves from my own bed was amazing.

Now, I see and hear those waves as something else.  They are what I visualize when I am in treatment.  The cold, gray water crashing into that stupid tumor and breaking bits of it away and washing it back out with all the other crud and garbage littering the lake.  That may sound hokey, but it helps me to see the water that I love as the thing that is curing me.  Yesterday, on our walk at Edgewater, the lake was WILD!  It was windy and the waves were huge!  (There were even people windsurfing!!!)  Hearing and seeing my lake crashing against the breakwall and shooting cold spray way up into the air made me feel STRONG.  I held onto that feeling as long as I could.

When I got home, my mum and dad had cleaned my house and done my laundry.  (I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am for all they are doing for me.  That is an epic post in and of itself that I will need the better part of a day to compose!)

When Ryan got home, we had a really good talk.  He is scared.  Well, no.  That is about the biggest understatement ever.  He is friggin' terrified.  Ryan takes care of me.  He fixes things and makes sure that everything is ok.  And for the first time since the very day we met, I have a problem he can't fix.  And it's making him crazy.  I have to express my sincere love and gratitude to Ryan's dear, brilliant, longtime friend, Doug.  From what Ryan told me yesterday, his conversation with Doug helped him more than anything he's heard since this began and I could not be happier that Doug was so very there for him.  Thanks, Doug!

I was actually hungry last night for the first time in days, too.  Food just does not appeal to me at all right now.  I am generally not hungry or too nauseated to feel hungry.  Even when I do feel hungry, nothing sounds appetizing.  But last night I even went back for a second helping.  Hopefully some of the weight I'm losing will come back if I can get that to happen more often.

I guess that is enough of an update for now, yeah?  It is Thanksgiving, after all, and I have stuffing to make so Ryan can get that turkey in the oven.  I'm looking forward to today.  Tattooed Dad arrives back in town this afternoon.  We've got good food and low key hanging out planned with 3 of my parents, my aunt, and one of my very best friends in the world, Mallorie.

And talk about epic posts that will take a day to write... I cannot even begin to tell you how long the upcoming Thanksgiving post will be.

Love to all, Phoebe