Keeping the faith.
I'm really trying to...
I have to keep telling myself that if these side effects are kicking my ass so brutally, then the treatment itself MUST be bashing the living hell out of the cancer. God, I fucking hope it is. It better be.
Here's where I am today: swollen, cracking skin in places you really don't want to have swollen, cracking skin. Round two of blisters on top of blisters in that un-named 'legpit' area - these are so horrid that just the act of walking makes the blisters pop (very painful) and seep, and the resulting moisture seems to make MORE blisters happen. And more pain. And more, just, YUCK. And then, on top of all that, I literally screamed and cried in pain just from going to the bathroom. I'm not normally a screamer - it was almost frightening to hear the sounds coming out of my own mouth. Again, I had to shower after because I could not cope with the pain of wiping my own butt. Sobbed through the entire thing.
I'm sure that this is NOT the type of stuff that you all signed up to read, but I can't really apologize. It's what I'm going through, and I think that in some tiny way, getting it out there helps me cope. Unlucky for me that I could not have a less horribly located cancer with less grisly side effects.
But it is what it is. And as miserable as I am (and trust me... I am MISERABLE) I know that each day I'm getting closer. After today's radiation I only have three more. I will get through this.
I have to keep telling myself that if these side effects are kicking my ass so brutally, then the treatment itself MUST be bashing the living hell out of the cancer. God, I fucking hope it is. It better be.
Here's where I am today: swollen, cracking skin in places you really don't want to have swollen, cracking skin. Round two of blisters on top of blisters in that un-named 'legpit' area - these are so horrid that just the act of walking makes the blisters pop (very painful) and seep, and the resulting moisture seems to make MORE blisters happen. And more pain. And more, just, YUCK. And then, on top of all that, I literally screamed and cried in pain just from going to the bathroom. I'm not normally a screamer - it was almost frightening to hear the sounds coming out of my own mouth. Again, I had to shower after because I could not cope with the pain of wiping my own butt. Sobbed through the entire thing.
I'm sure that this is NOT the type of stuff that you all signed up to read, but I can't really apologize. It's what I'm going through, and I think that in some tiny way, getting it out there helps me cope. Unlucky for me that I could not have a less horribly located cancer with less grisly side effects.
But it is what it is. And as miserable as I am (and trust me... I am MISERABLE) I know that each day I'm getting closer. After today's radiation I only have three more. I will get through this.
Comments
Okay, not! But our wishes for the next week to be the fastest in history are definitely out there somewhere between the Hudson Valley and Cleveland. Get through this and you'll totally win all "I had a bad day" challenges forever forward. And please keep being honest about what you're going through. I'm in awe of you continuing to post throughout the suckitude. Hang in there! ;)
[kidding. Keep fighting.]
As an RN, there is nothing you can write or say that will bother me. Text, call or email me if the mood, inclination and energy levels are right. I'm on Facebook, as well.
Remember too that your fierce, fearless (I know it comes and goes, but you are, most of the time, right?), "fuck you, cancer!" attitude will carry you far in this horrific process.
You are amazing, Phoebe. As Michael said, above, you are teaching us all.
Gale Freeman
(561) 547-0555
gale.freeman@gmail.com