Back to Work.

By phoebe marie -
Today I go back to work.  Yesterday I spent a lot of the day worrying about it.  I'm not even sure WHAT exactly I'm nervous about, but I am definitely nervous.  It's going to feel awkward and foreign and I have no idea how my body is going to react, let alone my brain!  I'm honestly just flat out scared.  I had a huge sobbing breakdown last night.  I had a hard time falling asleep.  And now I'm up and trying to remember how to get ready to go to work, and I'm already tired.

I think the hardest part of this whole experience is just no longer having a "normal" - not in any part of my life.  Everything seems foreign and a lot of times it really feels like no one else can possibly understand how difficult just getting through a regular day can be.

I am heading downtown today with every hope that I can make it at least MOST of the way through the day, but also willing to accept the fact that that may just not be the way it goes.  Like Jennifer said yesterday, if I can only work 4 hours, then I'll only work 4 hours.

It's just so scary.  Daunting.  It's difficult to get people to understand that even though I look better, I am not the me I used to be.  It's also difficult to deal with an onslaught of sideways tilted heads and furrowed brows looking at me with pity.  I realize that people don't know what to do or say, and I accept that it's hard for everyone around me, too.  I just don't know how to respond to it all.  I find myself wanting to comfort THEM when I get the worried looks.  Tell them I'm fine.  But in a lot of ways I don't feel fine.  My body is like a foreign country.  My brain seems to be functioning on about half a tank most of the time (and on fumes here and there).  I'm filled with anxiety.

Staying positive and being strong isn't an easy task.  That in itself is damn near a full time job right now.

But the truth is - I need to get a move on here and get my ass to work.  Because I know that despite my fears, it's going to be really good for me to be back there.  I need it, mentally.  (Not to mention financially.)

Wish me luck...

Xxo, Phoebe

Comments

Sharky Marie P.G. said…
All the luck I've got to give!!!!!!!!
January 20, 2012 at 9:14 AM
Mum said…
I KNOW they'll love having you back. Ask for patience when you need it! You could copy a page from "Crazy Sexy Cancer" explaining your current circumstance, then hand it out to any co-workers who don't get it, or are uncomfortable. Mostly be patient with yourself. You will get back into the swing of it, but your body most be your guide for now.
January 20, 2012 at 7:41 PM
Carol said…
I know the exact look you're describing - people don't know what to say or do, and while they may or may not try to hide it, it all comes out looking like pity. That look has caused me to keep quiet about some bad things that have gone on in my life. I feel like that look somehow makes the bad stuff real. If I don't get that look, I can at least put on a happy(ish) face and plow through whatever is going on. I think I might appreciate it more when people at least try to say SOMETHING, even if it's "out there".
Ah, anyway... I see you made it through almost a full day! That is fantastic! Funny how a routine can be really comforting :)
Love you!
January 22, 2012 at 9:43 AM
Jen said…
Annnnnnd this is also how I feel as my mom is diagnosed and going through cancer... that same look, that same pity thing... I don't want to be identified as "the girl who's mom has cancer." Great post, Pheobe.
November 27, 2013 at 11:09 AM
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