Great Expectations.
I got an email from my mum yesterday that simply asked if I realized that there have been over a thousand hits on this blog since my last update - which was a week ago! My response to this is, "Ack!" I had not realized I was slacking so much over here! My apologies!!
I guess in a way I'd started to feel like I need to live up to saying things that ARE inspiring and awesome... and there are days when I think that that is just too tall an order for me to fill. But even as I sit here now thinking about that, it's ridiculous. I don't "need" to come off a certain way here. This whole blog became what it is because I was willing to be open and honest about every little thing, good and bad, that was going on through my treatment both mentally and physically. And the only person putting pressure on me to be this magically inspirational fountain of positivity is ME! How ridiculous I can be!!!
So, here's the thing. I promise RIGHT NOW to get over it. To stop worrying so much about whether or not what I am writing "fits" with the theme of what I had built up in my head as what it "should be," and instead just ALLOW it to be what it is and has always been: me being me, good or bad, boring or interesting, gross or beautiful. Because that's what's real.
Now, where does that leave me... Well, let's see. This has been a back and forth kind of week, I guess. Overall, I've been staying in a pretty good mood. Working nearly full days and enjoying it. Continuing my workouts and enjoying them. Doing some major cleaning up and organizing around the house and enjoying that. And even getting out on Fat Tuesday to see friends and watch Ryan (in a yellow smoking jacket) play trumpet with a zydeco band and enjoying THAT (even though I hate zydeco music!). I started painting the media room, I've become obsessed with needle-felting, I've taken the camera out again and started playing around, I've worked on my Rosetta Stone Italian and thought a lot about our upcoming trip and how amazing it's going to be, I've hung out with friends, and I even went to dinner with Ryan at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant for the first time in MONTHS!
On the down side, I also felt "sick" for the first time since treatment ended. Not like "I have a cold" sick. Just, like, SICK sick. Weird. Off. Nauseated. Bad. And it scared me. I remember reading somewhere in one of the umpteen books I've read about all of this business that feeling sick will never just be feeling sick again. That it will now and forever make you worry in a way you never would have before. And I will tell you right now - that is true. It was a difficult task to tell myself to just let it go and not freak out - but that's what I did. Unsurprisingly, I felt fine the next day. The power of PMA is real!
In other "physical" news: I continue to lose weight, though slowly. I have to wonder if it is because I am gaining muscle? I definitely have lost inches in a variety of places because none of my pants fit anymore. I was told by two different people in the past week that I was "swimming" in my jeans. It feels great. I feel great. I AM, however, noticing some other odd things that I believe are menopause weirdnesses. My fingernails seem to have instantly gone from being strong and thick and awesome to peely and chippy and thin and gross out of nowhere. My skin is weird. And the hair on my legs grows WAY slower. Overall, I can't really complain about these things. But they are different and I am very aware these days of my body doing different things.
Anyhow. There it is. And I promise not to disappear for so long again in the future. Thanks for sticking with me and checking back so much!
Love to you, Phoebe
I guess in a way I'd started to feel like I need to live up to saying things that ARE inspiring and awesome... and there are days when I think that that is just too tall an order for me to fill. But even as I sit here now thinking about that, it's ridiculous. I don't "need" to come off a certain way here. This whole blog became what it is because I was willing to be open and honest about every little thing, good and bad, that was going on through my treatment both mentally and physically. And the only person putting pressure on me to be this magically inspirational fountain of positivity is ME! How ridiculous I can be!!!
So, here's the thing. I promise RIGHT NOW to get over it. To stop worrying so much about whether or not what I am writing "fits" with the theme of what I had built up in my head as what it "should be," and instead just ALLOW it to be what it is and has always been: me being me, good or bad, boring or interesting, gross or beautiful. Because that's what's real.
Now, where does that leave me... Well, let's see. This has been a back and forth kind of week, I guess. Overall, I've been staying in a pretty good mood. Working nearly full days and enjoying it. Continuing my workouts and enjoying them. Doing some major cleaning up and organizing around the house and enjoying that. And even getting out on Fat Tuesday to see friends and watch Ryan (in a yellow smoking jacket) play trumpet with a zydeco band and enjoying THAT (even though I hate zydeco music!). I started painting the media room, I've become obsessed with needle-felting, I've taken the camera out again and started playing around, I've worked on my Rosetta Stone Italian and thought a lot about our upcoming trip and how amazing it's going to be, I've hung out with friends, and I even went to dinner with Ryan at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant for the first time in MONTHS!
On the down side, I also felt "sick" for the first time since treatment ended. Not like "I have a cold" sick. Just, like, SICK sick. Weird. Off. Nauseated. Bad. And it scared me. I remember reading somewhere in one of the umpteen books I've read about all of this business that feeling sick will never just be feeling sick again. That it will now and forever make you worry in a way you never would have before. And I will tell you right now - that is true. It was a difficult task to tell myself to just let it go and not freak out - but that's what I did. Unsurprisingly, I felt fine the next day. The power of PMA is real!
In other "physical" news: I continue to lose weight, though slowly. I have to wonder if it is because I am gaining muscle? I definitely have lost inches in a variety of places because none of my pants fit anymore. I was told by two different people in the past week that I was "swimming" in my jeans. It feels great. I feel great. I AM, however, noticing some other odd things that I believe are menopause weirdnesses. My fingernails seem to have instantly gone from being strong and thick and awesome to peely and chippy and thin and gross out of nowhere. My skin is weird. And the hair on my legs grows WAY slower. Overall, I can't really complain about these things. But they are different and I am very aware these days of my body doing different things.
Anyhow. There it is. And I promise not to disappear for so long again in the future. Thanks for sticking with me and checking back so much!
Love to you, Phoebe
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