Prayers and Serendipitousness

Having gone through the whole cancer thing makes even the slightest whisper of the word in the lives of those around you terrifying.  Brings up the fears and anxieties of those early days and makes you wish that that person was not having to go through that horrible shit that you went through.

Unfortunately, every day, people still go through cancer diagnoses and the fears and anxieties that go along with the waiting, wondering and hoping until they get the inevitable bad news or all clear.  And it's impossible to think that just because I went through it, I should be spared the worry when it comes to those I care about and those they care about and so on.  In fact, I hope that if and/or when that happens, my experiences might be somehow helpful for those around me going through what they are going through.  What I went through.

More than a couple people I know (or know of through someone I am close with) are going through the cancer/potential cancer business right now.  And it just strangles my heart to think about it.

Ryan and I were talking the other day about how incredibly bizarre some of the things we experienced during my cancer treatment were.  Especially the day during my worst brachytherapy where I was in all that pain and Ryan told me to ask my Grandpa Joe to come be there with me... and then a few minutes later, he looked down at me and said, "He's here, isn't he?" and looked up toward the exact spot where I felt certain my grandpa was standing.  We aren't "those" kind of people.  But damned if we weren't both completely aware of the presence of a gentle, loving man that day - a man who passed away in 1989.

There was also, through all of my illness leading up to my diagnosis, my constant sightings of peregrine falcons.  Birds who rarely live in this area.  But today, after seeing one after getting an especially relevant text message, I sat down and looked up their nesting habits around here and found a website documenting specific birds/nests in northeast Ohio.  Several of which were right at the exact spots I remember seeing these birds during my illness, and one of which was where I saw one today.

Did I mention that Saint Peregrine is the patron saint of cancer patients?  So my connection is somewhat on the trippy end of the scale, there.  And seeing that bird today, I could have cried...  my hope was that he was a positive sign, rather than a negative one.

And speaking of serendipity and peregrine falcons and all that...

I decided on my idea for my cancer survivor tattoo, which we all knew I was going to get eventually...  and it will involve Saint Peregrine, a peregrine falcon, and the words (in a clothing-coverable location) "FUCK CANCER".  And even my decision of what to get and who to have create the artwork all came about in a strange, serendipitous way.  Which I love.  And will share once the tattoo is done and ready to share itself...

In the meantime, I am sending out all the PMA, good vibes, prayers and love to all of the people I know, or know OF, going through this terrifying time right now.  Never forget you that you CAN beat it... and you will beat it.

Love love love, Phoebe