This Might Take a While

By phoebe marie -
My mum finally got to go back home this morning.  After 10 weeks in Cleveland caring for me, 6 weeks to prepare for Italy, 2 weeks IN Italy, 2 DAYS back home in Boulder, and then back to Cleveland for another week for test results... she is in the air, on her way back to a normal life where she and knitting dad can make plans of their own!  I could not be happier for them!!

Yesterday, we spent our last day together.  Brunch at the Original Pancake House was like metaphorical "end parenthesis" on the cancer experience.  It felt great.  Then I took her down to visit my good friend, Lacey and to meet Lacey's ADORABLE son, Spencer (whom I have been madly in love with since day one).  My mum has been an avid follower of Lacey's blog, and has given her a lot of love and supporting words through all of her struggles, so it was only appropriate to do a visit while she was here and I was no longer sick!!!

After an excellent afternoon of girl talk and baby swooning, I took mum back to her sister, my Auntie Beth's, house.  To say goodbye.  It was weird.  It felt great to know that this SHIT is over and that she was going back to her own life, but strange to suddenly not know that she was either here or that I'd be seeing her soon.  

We said goodbye, and as I drove away, she gave me the Queen's wave from the doorway - which my Grandma Mary (a dead ringer for Elizabeth II) always used to do.  I smiled and cried a little as I drove away.

Leaving Auntie Beth's house and heading toward my own, I almost immediately drive past the cemetery where Grandma Mary and Grandpa Joe are buried.  I could not stop, but as I drove by, I said out loud to them, "Thank you.  Thank you for watching over me and being with me through all this shit.  I love you."  I don't really talk out loud in prayer/to spirits/even to myself ever.  So it felt strange to do, but also kind of loosened me up to some talking...

As I drove along, basically on autopilot, toward my own house, I found myself saying the words, "I'm better." out loud.  Over several minutes, the words came out again and again.  "I'm better."  

These last few days have been an absolute shock.  And even though I knew in my heart that I was, indeed, BETTER... somehow the way in which it all came together was so unexpected.  So incredible.

From getting the news a day early to getting MORE good news at the actual appointment to just figuring out how to go back to my life...  it's been a ridiculous whirlwind and I have a feeling it will not be that easy to just "move on".  

Everything seems better.  Positive.  POSSIBLE.  And that is shocking.  And stunning.  And not a little bit scary...

I definitely get that this will be a lifelong thing.  And that it could be months, if not years, before I can look at this experience and really "get" it.  I guess that's not a bad thing, either.  It's just strange.  How completely mt life has changed in less than a year's time.

On Friday, Stupid Cancer shared a link to my blog on their Facebook page, and on that same day, I received a comment here from a Stupid Cancer Survivor named Scott.  In his comment, he shared a link to a guest post he had written on the Chemobabe Blog, and so much of what he said REALLY made sense to me and helped me to at least START getting my brain around what I am experiencing right now.

If you have the time, please check it out:


Anyhow.  I feel so lucky to have come away from all of this healthier, happier, skinnier (hehe), more positive, more determined, and just more excited about the future.  And I hope you all continue to hang around - as this crazy rollercoaster is far from over, no matter how "CURED" I might be!  Life goes on when news is bad, and it sure as shit goes on when news is good as well.  

Love to you all, 
Phoebe

Comments

Mum said…
What an awesome link. This group sounds like the perfect support for you ... young cancer survivors. And what well written insights about how long the journey can be, even after you are "cured".

I miss you already! Plans will be made soon to see you.

Love, Mum
April 8, 2012 at 6:41 PM
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