Positively Phoebe

So, the past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions (or "chemotions" as Lacey called them), information, struggle and for me - a lot of confusion about where to fit in, how to be the most useful, and what exactly I am feeling in my role as a recent cancer survivor, close friend to Lacey, and huge Spencer fan.  The conversations I've had with some of my own caregiver team (Ryan and my mum) have at least somewhat helped me to sort out what is going on in my own head and heart. Because I spent a lot of time, between getting the news Friday and going to brunch on Sunday, working on Team Spencer designs for the Cafe Press shop I set up to help raise money for Spencer, Ryan was getting sort of concerned that I was obsessing over the designs and making myself more upset.  Through some tears and a lot of thinking and explaining, I managed to not only get him to understand, but also understand myself, what I felt like I was accomplishing with the creation of these designs....

This past Wednesday, I decided that the best way to spend my day was to use some more of my vacation time to go and be with Lacey and Spencer as they went for Spencer's blood tests and doctor visits.  I didn't want her to be alone after the way things seemed to be going.  (i.e. Bad numbers going up and good numbers going down and an official leukemia diagnosis getting closer and closer.) Turned out, I was glad I went.  Not because Spencer puked on me and made my hand smell like a rotten hot sweet potato for a while.  But because at the end, as the doctors were wrapping it up, I pushed Lacey to ask the questions she had been wanting to ask about how the chemo treatments would go if/when they decided that was the way to go.  She had told me she had what she deemed "stupid" questions about things like jammies and time frames and all of that.  Well, I knew from my own experience that NO questions you might have are stupid and that the more you know, the easie...

Last Wednesday, I was having a rough time.  I posted a pretty miserable post here, which I have since deleted (so if you saw it and then didn't see it, you're not going crazy).  I just did not want to let the things that were getting me down turn me into that negative, hateful person again.  I didn't like the reaction I had to the situation and so I did what I needed to do to resolve it. I took Thursday off work.  I've heard people say "Mental Health Day" before, but I had never actually experienced one before last week.  Can I just say that if you have the ability to do this when things are screwy in your own brain, I highly recommend it. I started out by visiting my friend, Jess and her daughter, Harper on Thursday morning.  We had breakfast and caught up and then Jess touched up the teal streaks in my hair and gave me a little trim.  So I started my day getting prettied up AND enjoying some friend time with Jess and adorable baby time with Harpe...

Phoebe is officially one year cancer-free!! We got "the" letter from the clinic yesterday afternoon.  I'm not going to lie, the waiting for news like this is still difficult. I have to pretend I'm not thinking about it constantly and hoping I get a call from the wife that says "ALL GOOD!". I know she's fine, but it's still hard. It is getting a little easier every time, and I think this one-year anniversary is a big milestone. We are both slowly regaining full-function (or dysfunction as the case may be) and momentum, she is making amazing art again and learning a language on top of her regular schedule... I am back to building bikes and cars and microphones and various other odd things, my focus has returned, I am working on getting a service garage open in the near future. The nature of our relationship has changed because of this whole thing, and while I certainly won't give this cancer shit an A+ rating as a "life experience...