Keep going.

Is it me, or has this been one of those weeks, again, where everything seems to be going wrong for everyone I know?  Starting at home.

A week ago, something really amazing that Ryan had been working really hard toward fell completely apart.  It was devastating and, honestly, is STILL devastating – it’s just that so much other CRAP has happened since then that I feel like it fell apart a year ago, not 6 days ago.  A few days after that, our house refinance ALSO fell through. 

And then that same day, my aunt called from Florida to tell me that my father (Tattoo Dad) was back in the hospital.  For me, this has been the most difficult of the bad news.  The details all seem very hazy still.  The bits of the conversations I’ve had with my aunt that stick out in my head are “found in a ditch” “on his bike” “collapsed” “doesn’t remember anything” “brain bleed” “transferred to neuro hospital” “too out of it to give HIPPA release consent” “CICU”…  I’m fairly certain that it is not as doom & gloom as it sounds, but not being able to talk to him has been indescribably hard and scary.  And I have to admit that I am also afraid TO talk to him.  The fact that he has been described as being so out of it scares me.  It is, as a very wise friend of mine said to me yesterday, the most unstable feeling when your parent is not well and not their self.  So true.  So so true…

My most recent conversation with my aunt did also include the doctors’ belief that there will not be any long term damage from this fall, but it’s still frightening waiting… 

And while we’re talking about waiting – I had my first mammogram last Friday.  Monday morning thyey called to tell me I needed to come back in for more imaging.  The tech on Friday warned me that this is not uncommon on a first mammogram because they have nothing to compare it to.  No baseline.  This IS the baseline.  She said not to freak out if they call me back in.  I’ve been trying not to, but the fear is there.  I return this Friday, so hopefully by NEXT Monday, I’ll have an answer.  My AWESOME Nurse Practitioner from y Oncologist’s office, Erin, called me this morning to make sure I understood WHY they called me back in.  I guess I didn’t.  She said there was “a density”.  Again, it may be nothing.  Erin says she’s “not worried yet”.  Yet.  That just creeps me out.  And Ryan DID point out that as of a year ago when I had my post-treatment PET scan, there was NO cancer in my body anywhere.  And it's more than likely still the case.  That calmed me down a LOT.  I love that guy.  So, yeah.  I'm trying to stay positive.

Positively Phoebe.  I mean, that’s what this blog is supposed to be about, right?  Staying positive.  Believing.  Having hope no matter what.  Seeing the beauty in every day of my life.  Being full of love and gratitude.  And NEVER GIVING UP on the dreams I have for my life, my marriage, my career, my family, my friends, my artwork, my health and my body. 

Staying that positive isn’t always easy.  Especially during weeks like this one.  Weeks where it seems the entire Universe is conspiring to slam you onto the couch and under a blanket where you will mindlessly watch bad shows on your friend’s pirated Hulu Plus account until it is suitably past 8pm enough to just give up and go to bed. 

Well, I’m done with that shit.  I moped.  I lamented.  I’m getting off my ass tonight and having fun.  Because as rough as things have been, you know what else happened this week?

MY MUM and (Knitting) DAD ARRIVED IN CLEVELAND!!!  And they’re staying for about a MONTH!  We’ve already had some wonderful times (despite all the other poop happening).  And tonight we are meeting for dinner.  And I can’t wait and I am going to enjoy every second of the rest of their visit!  No more frowns.  Only good times ahead!!!  Aside from dinner, we also have plans during their stay for checking out the new Cleveland Museum of Art, the Cleveland Botanical Garden, the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo, the Greater Cleveland Aquarium, and maybe even the Polka Hall of Fame!  I am stoked for all of it.  (I will doubtless be completely spamming your Instagram feeds with all manner of photographic evidence of all of these adventures, so if you’re not following me, itsphoebemarie, on there – go do it!)

It’s hard when things get shitty to remember all the things we have to be positive about, to be grateful for.  But we have to try.  We can be sad, angry, disappointed, scared… we can be all of those things, but then we have to keep going.  Winston Churchill had that shit right.  “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”  That quote goes through my head at least 10 times a day lately.

Keep going.

Keep going.  Keep going.  Keep going.  Keep going.  Keep going.  Keep going.  Keep going.  Keep going.  Keep going…

Xxo, Phoebe Marie