Beyond the Halfway Point AND All Clear.

By phoebe marie -
**This post was transferred from the now defunct "The Long Ease" blog.**

Tuesday was treatment day #20, and as of yesterday's #21, I was officially the back side of this treatment thing.  I arrived early today for #22 - on purpose so I could sit on the bench outside Lutheran Hospital and enjoy my coffee in the crisp morning. It is gorgeous out today.

Or maybe I'm just in a particularly good mood.  

Nothing much to report on the treatment front.  Some days I feel better than I have in months, other days I feel just as terrible as I did when this all began.  It is difficult to tell...  And Ryan pointed out the other night when a friend asked how it's going that I am incredibly hesitant to admit that I might be feeling better.  Which is true.  I'm not sure exactly why that is, but I am working on figuring out that particular reaction to inquiries about my progress.  After today's session, I had to see the doctor there to assess my progress.  Unfortunately, with my wound being internal, there was not much he could do.  The appointment literally lasted twenty seconds.  He asked if I had any bleeding.  I said no.  He asked if I thought I had less pain.  I said I thought so.  He said, "Then it's working."  The end.  Useless.

As for my good mood...  

Well, last night we FINALLY went to see the inside of our "dream house" out in Sheffield Lake.  Ryan actually went out to see it during the day while I was at work, and then we went back once I got out.  And it is SUPER bizarre, but in a way that, for us (and probably no one else on this earth), is kind of awesome.  More than "kind of," honestly.  Ryan's description is "ramshackle" and I can agree with that.  The original house is over 100 years old, and then it's been added onto in the most haphazard, confusing ways possible.  But it's huge and perfect, despite needing loads of updating that will easily take us years.  And the view (and the soundtrack) is enough to make it worth every bit of weird going on inside.  It's going to take some finagling, some borrowing, and some serious hopes and prayers, but we are going to try to make this happen.  Because after all we've been through, we need this.  We DESERVE this.

Also contributing to my good mood today?  A four day weekend ahead.  And normal PAP results from my last Dr. Kebria appointment saying I am still cancer free.  I have felt pretty unafraid about cancer recurrence lately, but as soon as that "new test results" email pops up... the fear is back for that 40 seconds it takes to log into MyChart and get those results.  My heart feels like it may explode as I fuck up my User ID and password twice with my nervous fumblefingers...

And then all clear.  Normal.  Happy happy.  I message Ryan immediately and he shares in my joy.  Healthy.  Still.  And getting healthier.

Xxo, Phoebe Marie 


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